Do things ever get easier, or do we just get better?

I just found out that an old flame of mine is getting married soon. Talk about a stab to the heart. Not the best way to start a Monday morning.

He and I still talk regularly and as unfair as it is, he says that he feels I'm his soul mate and he would marry me in a heart beat, if he didn't live on the other side of the US. But he just proposed to his girlfriend, and says its hard for him to come to grips with the fact that he won't be seeing things through with me. It breaks my heart. It literally hurts sitting at my desk this morning.

While listening to my favorite morning radio show this morning, I was shocked to hear that a new study found that most men would rather find a "tipsy and ditzy" woman than a "smart and savvy" woman. That they feel more like a man when they are the more intelligent, dominant one in the relationship, and that tipsy and ditsy women are an easy conquest. What the fuck? All that says to me is that these men are insecure, lazy and pathetic.

No matter how much I tell others that I'm perfectly content with being single at 28, I'm not. Not at all. I'm jealous of women with a home and a family. No matter how much I tell my friends and family that I wouldn't think of getting married before 30 and that I have plenty of time, I am secretly scared out of my mind that I'll still be saying that when I'm 36 and still haven't settled down. Then what? Adopt and be a single parent? That thought is terrifying. Am I out of my prime, and the selection of men is only slim pickings from here? The older I get, the worse my dating life gets, the more hope I lose.

I would actually be genuinely content being single right now, if I had a crystal ball that told me that I would in fact end up married with children before it's too late. It's the unknown that's scary. The possibility that I will still feel this way at 40. Terrifying.

I realize the bigger picture here is to be content alone before I can be content settled down. I'm just saying that it gets hard sometimes, taking care of everything on my own. It's very lonely at times, and I've gotten very good at wearing my "Happy being single and free" mask.

Truth is I'm not happy. I know what happy feels like. I remember being really happy. I feel so far away from that feeling.

So question is.... do things ever get easier, or do we just get better at handling all that life throws at us?

Time to let my infatuation go...

My infatuation.... how many years have we been going back and forth now? He's lived in Maryland ever since he moved back to be with his mother. Came back to visit once, and we had a great time. That electric powerful connection you read about in romance novels, that's what we've always had. He's talked about moving back to Seattle, and constantly tells me how much he misses me, all the while, he has been dating someone for several years now. He's recently informed me that he is going to propose to her soon. That it's hard for him to tell me because he knows it will hurt me and it will mean that we have no chance at reuniting. He keeps updating me. "I think I'm going to propose really soon. I've had the ring for a while now." I wonder if he realizes how much it actually stings to hear this? There is no possible way that he and I can have a healthy friendship while he is engaged/married. It would just break my heart. Is this the breaking point where I need to cut ties for my own sanity? I can't keep hearing about how he constantly thinks about me all the while knowing he will be a married man soon. Very disappointing, but the right thing to do is to let him go, I know this. It's not easy now, and I don't know if it ever will be. Such is life.

Reversing the effects of Douche Bags

One piece of advice that my therapist has always given me is to play the dating field before settling down and getting married. I've definitely had my fair share of dating, as a single gal in her late twenties. And like most women, I've had a mixture of great relationships and fun sexual flings. Of course we also have to account for the "douche bags" we've all dated. I like to think there's a mixture of douche bags. Let's go over some of them that I've had the pleasure of dating. Let me know if I'm missing any.

The oblivious Douche Bag: This douche bag may mean well, but usually only cares about his own needs, and often overlooks their partners needs/wants. They don't know they have issues, and probably never will. They're too busy being off in La La Land. This could be remedied if you feel this man is worth it, but would take a lot of time and effort, and as we all know, it's hard to teach an old douche bag new tricks.

The Jekyll and Hyde Douche Bag: This douche bag may seem like a great catch at first. Amazing first dates, sweet nothings, amazing sex, making future plans and telling you how much he really likes you and cares about you. Then BAM! Out of nowhere its like Mr. Hyde finally comes out of hiding when he has a few drinks in him. Stay far away from these men, this will drive you crazy in the long run and they obviously have some maturing to do.

Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am Douche Bag: Depending on how you look at it, this is one of the worst of his kind. You meet, he obviously is very attracted to you. Makes a lot of effort to hang out with you. Seems genuinely interested. After weeks of hanging out, you finally do the awesome dirty deed. Then Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am - He's disappeared! Weird, I thought we were having a good time. No need to linger on these, they obviously got what they wanted. If it was good sex - just view it as that. If not, Damn, that sucks for you.

And finally the worst of them all: The Master Manipulator Douche Bag.
This species has serious mental issues when it comes to relationships, and you my dear are their lucky victim. Maybe they had a really bad dating experience when they were younger and they were never able to move on from it. So now, they feel the need to always be in the dominant position, to feel powerful, manipulating you to an extreme, pulling no stops - to make themselves feel like more of a man. They will act like your closest friend, make you feel like you can tell them anything - only to lie to your face and string you along. He always finds a way to get on your good side again, and it's always difficult to stay away. It takes a lot of self control to leave this kind and could take years. This type will damage you the most in the long run.

After a single gal has dated so many different types of douche bags - how do we go into a hopeful new relationship without being cynical? If I meet someone who seems great, we have a connection and I'm genuinly excited, how do I look at it with an open mind instead of letting my cynical self take over?

Is it possible to seperate my feelings, and by doing so, am I just setting myself up again?

Some girls have all the luck.

It seems im destined to be single. It's so awkward. My best friend calls weekly - "What are you doing?" Oh nothing, just watching a movie... "BY YOURSELF?!" Well... ya... Does my cat count?
Obviously i've voiced that being single has its upside as well as it's downside. I feel like the longer you're single... the more that "Upside" seems to fade. When Chris and I broke up last April, I felt this overwhelming feeling of... release, freedom and I felt more like myself than I had in years. It was amazing. I'm glad I ended the relationship, becuase if I were still in it, we'd still argue everynight, he'd still make me feel inferior daily, I would still be going to bed each night unhappy. So don't get me wrong, I know I made the right choice, but after a while.. it gets lonely. I do a good job of filling my time. Cooking, baking, (I've gotten really into baking) reading, working out, going out with friends. I entertain myself pretty well.

My fear is that I'll be single and living alone so long, that I'll become one of those weird awkward people thats always uncomfortable, forgets what their voice sounds like, says awkward things...

I used to always be around people. Busy bee. Social butterfly. Talked to people on the phone all day at work, and came home to parties and events at night. Now I go to work, sit at my desk... read fine print in Leases from 20 years ago, count down the hours until its time to go home, and come home and watch Mad Men all night. I don't want to be this person!! It's not me!

Is it possible to "lose ourselves"? Seriously. To lose that spark, that thing that makes you who you are, who you've always been and who people have always seen you as? If we don't nurture that part of ourselves, maybe it just fizzles out? I refuse to let that happen. I know what makes me, me. I'm an old soul, I love swingsets and roller skating and sending people random letters in the mail because I know how much it will brighten their day. I have a passion for the elderly. I have a need to take care of people, to nurture and give guidance. I don't want all of those aspects of me to fade. I would be miserable.

Yes, being single is perfectly fine... No I don't need a man, I'm aware of that. I just need to find a way to make my single life fulfilling until I do find someone and settle down. I need to remind myself that plenty of people in relationships are unhappy and would give anything to be in my situation, to be able to do whatever I please.

Relationships have always been complicated for the world. Always have been, always will be. I've heard stories of my grandmothers marriages. Some painfully awful ones, and some that worked for her. When she was towards the end of her Alzheimer's and i'd visit her, it was so powerful to see the look on her face when she'd see my grandpa. Her whole world lit up. When he'd leave, she'd stand by the window and watch him go. I couldn't imagine going through something like that, and not having someone you love, to take care of you, watch out for you, help you through such an awful experience. It would be heartbreaking. I think about that a lot. If Alzheimer's is genetic, then I could possibly get it when i'm older. What if i'm not married? What if I have to go at it alone? I don't think I could take it. It would be unbearable.

My mom has been married twice. She married when she was young, to my sisters father. He left her for another woman and wouldnt return her calls, or spend time with my sister. She married my dad when she was 32. They were married for two years. I remember dating my first love and being so in love and so happy, and I asked her if she felt that way with my dad. Her response: "No, not really. We got along well, we had fun, but I don't think i was ever madly in love with him" She's been single ever since, and has expressed how hard it would be to try again in a new relationship. But I know she doesn't want to end up alone, and she deserves to be happy.

A lot of my friends are settling down and having children. One of my friends and her husband just had twins. I can't even imagine what it feels like to know that these two little babies solely rely on you, that you are their entire world. To know that you've built your own new family, to make your own new traditions, to pass along wisdom and guidance. Heather comes home to two babies and a husband every day. I come home to a quiet, empty (but well decorated!)apartment. When I wake up in the morning on weekends, i'm not woken up by a little voice asking to go to the bathroom with them, to get them water, climbing in bed with me. I wake up with my Ellie cat, and think.. hmmm... it's Saturday, what do I have to do today? Cleaning, laundry, errands, maybe workout and go tanning if I have time. Who am I kidding, I always have time. Even though Heather constantly has something to do, she has a new purpose in life, something to live for. Her family. I want that kind of purpose. Something secure, something real, meaningful and lifelong.

I may not be ready for something like this right now. But I pray its in the cards for me someday.

Do you ever feel like you're losing youself?

I remember being so sure of myself and walking out my front door with my head held high, long strides in my heels, and a smile on my face...

Then I moved back in with my parents...

Jesus, I knew going into this it wouldnt be fun living with my parents again.. but its to the point that im losing ME.

My quirky little traits that I love about myself are slowly slipping away and its killing me.

Instead of making my own dinners and watching Audrey Hepburn marathons, i'm eating around the table with my family nightly and escaping downstairs to be alone.

I miss me.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I just broke up a few weeks ago, which is a good thing. I don't know what it is about me in relationships, but i turn into this different, insecure person. It could be partly that he was a graduate from Pepperdine, and can talk about Physics like its no big deal... and i just sit there... nodding my head and smiling....

What the fuck was he just saying??

But when im single, its easier for me to be myself and not feel inadequit.

One on side, I feel like im losing myself and on the other, I'm really growing.

I've always been the type of person to not speak up when I have something I want to say, worried about what people will think. I dont want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, so I just stay quiet. When some folks in my family have made little comments here and there like "Saw your photos on facebook, don't you think that dress was a little short?", making little judgemental comments about my life because i'm 26, not dating anyone and like to go out to downtown seattle and drink my ass off on the occassional weekend... I always would just laugh along and say yea, well you know, just having fun.

But for some reason ive grown the strength to stand up for myself and say... ya I am single, ya I go out to bars and parties and drink my ass off, but im fucking 26... and i'm having a blast! You have no right to judge me. I work hard during the week, i have a full time job AND a part time job, im responsible and polite, so whats with the judgement?

So far this new me isnt a smooth transition.

After getting up the nerve to tell my mom that Chris and I broke up two weeks ago, her response was "hahahah, wow, well you've sure been here before haven't you!"

At first I did what I would normally do, and said something like yea well we're still really good friends and it just wasn't working, blah blah blah... in an effort to not "stir the pot". After several days of stewing about it and replaying her response in my head, and ok I might have had a few margaritas in me... I called her and comfronted her. I said, Hi, I need to ask you a question. She sounded caught off guard. I said why when i told you that chris and i broke up, why did you laugh and say what you said to me?? She said, I never laughed at you! I said, really, if you hadnt laughed at me, why would I be so hurt by it? Why would I have to get up the nerve to confront you about it. Her response, as usual with her was, Well i'm sorry if thats what you THOUGHT you heard, but I did not. I was so upset and so frustrated with her "brick wall" that she always has up that for the first time in maybe 15 years, the only thing I could do was hang up on her. That was about a week and a half ago, i havent talked to her since. I refuse to sit back and let her laugh at me and love life. Just because you've been single for 24 years and refuse to go back out and possibly meet someone who may make you happy, doesn't mean that I have to be bitter with you. I needed my mother and she wasn't there. My standing up for myself and confronting her may have rocked the boat, but hopefully it will show her what I wont put up with in the future.

Anyways, so sidetracked, my mother obviously gets me worked up.

Point is, this is the first time that i just dont know who I am. Im doing everything I can to try and be true to myself, but sometimes thats just so hard.

I really hope this is just a funk.

I will continue on!

To my creepy pervo neighbor

I don't like you. You look like someone who bathes once a week and watches porno 5 times a day. Just the thought of what you do one room away from my bedroom makes me want to gag.
Your daily visits to the pool during the summer aren't fooling anyone. You're white as a ghost and never bring any reading material with you. It's obvious to all the young girls why you go there. Just because you're wearing 1980's Tom Cruise sunglasses doesn't mean we magically can't see where you're looking. You are freaking creepy, thus is why you always sit alone and us girls stay a mile a way from you in fear that you will try to spark up a conversation.
Speaking of girls, I'm still in shock that you managed to get a girlfriend this last fall who is somewhat decent looking! How did you do it? You must keep the lights very dim in your apt. That must be your secret. Well kudos to you, creepy pervo neighbor, she's a real catch!
I also feel that I must tell you this- being that your bedroom is right next to mine, and that our cute little apartment complex was obviously built on a budget, I can hear EVERYTHING you say. I've very clearly heard conversations with your girlfriend (still in shock...) about you two contemplating anal sex.
I mean, discussing doing it, the pros, the cons.. the works. I could have happily lived my whole life without hearing that detailed discussion.
I've tried everything. Banging on the wall with my straightener, yelling "shut the hell up" into the wall, you've even forced me out of bed at 3:30 in the morning while your young bubbly girlfriend hooped and hollered at some new toy you bought. As if that wasn't bad enough, when I stormed over to your door in my pjs and mess of a hair, you answered the door in only your bed sheets.
Oh my God, could you be any creepier.

Also, please don't talk to my friends that come over, you're creeping them out now too.
"Hey man, you going in there? There's some freaking hot girls that live there!" ....Little did you know you were actually saying that to my boyfriend at the time. Smart. Real smart, creepy pervo neighbor.

You can bet that if I'm ever in need of a cup of sugar or flour, I will NOT be knocking on your door.

Congrats again on your new relationship, I hope she sticks around for a little bit before running for the hills.

I hate you, you slacker!

Those people who just do the bare minimum. That person who drives in the carpool lane to pass all the cars and then cuts them off at the front of the line. That person who tips $2 for their $50 meal. I hate you! What makes you so privileged that you get to do less than I'm doing??

I try to be fair and kind on a daily basis. There might be TONS of traffic on my way home from work everyday... but pretty sure it's just me in the car so I can't get in the carpool lane, no matter how much I would LOVE to pass everyone and get home sooner.

If you want in my lane, I'll let you in. I'm not going to sit there and say screw you just to be one car ahead. That's retarded. But if you just passed me and 100 other cars in traffic while you're in the carpool lane, Forget it. You're not getting in front of me! Bitch and moan all you want.

If I'm eating at a restaurant and I have a good server, I'll tip well. They deserve it! Obviously if they sucked at their job and rarely came by to see if I needed anything, of course I wouldn't tip as much. But I'm fair. But to you slackers, are you THAT cheap that you can't tip a few dollars more? These servers bust their ass, and believe it or not, yours isn't the only table they're waiting on.

Or how about the person at work who comes in late, leaves early, is sick ALL THE TIME and gets to stay home and get paid for it, when everyone knows they can't possibly be sick 36 days in 4 months. Unless you have some sort of disease, that's just not possible. Oh, you're working from home again?? Yea, ok, I totally believe you. Meanwhile, all of us normal hard working employees are here every day, sometimes working 12-14 hour days. We take a sick day when we're sick, and take vacation once or twice a year with advanced notice.

We're honest employees who don't take advantage of the company. I've worked with someone before who was the epitome of a slacker... and pretty sure they made about 10K a year more than me. I hate you people!

I don't care if you think you can be an a-hole slacker, I'm going to keep being nice to everyone and being fair and hopefully karma exists, because someday I'll be completely happy living in a cute little houes out in the country while you're working at McDonalds and stealing fries in between drive through customers. I hope you burn your hand with that fry grease! Ahole.