Why do people my age think of marriage as a "goal"?
Shouldn't marriage be thought of as something that would make them happy, when the time is right? Not necessarily be something they should work towards?
Now, I have a few girlfriends that are both engaged, and this is nothing bad towards them, at all! I know that they're happy and the time is right for them. This rant is mainly aimed towards those whose idea of marriage is maybe an unhealthy one.
When I was 18 I thought for sure I'd be married by 25. Have kids in my late 20's.. and achieve the ultimate goal of caring for my family.
I was in a serious relationship from age 19 to 22, and thought.. well this just works out perfectly. We've been together 4 years now, lived together for a few years, I knew he had already talked to my father about the idea of marriage in our future. I had it all lined up to be married by 25.
Shouldn't marriage be thought of as something that would make them happy, when the time is right? Not necessarily be something they should work towards?
Now, I have a few girlfriends that are both engaged, and this is nothing bad towards them, at all! I know that they're happy and the time is right for them. This rant is mainly aimed towards those whose idea of marriage is maybe an unhealthy one.
When I was 18 I thought for sure I'd be married by 25. Have kids in my late 20's.. and achieve the ultimate goal of caring for my family.
I was in a serious relationship from age 19 to 22, and thought.. well this just works out perfectly. We've been together 4 years now, lived together for a few years, I knew he had already talked to my father about the idea of marriage in our future. I had it all lined up to be married by 25.
I was set.
Our relationship went down south as we both grew older. I matured… and well… he didn’t. I remember even thinking at one point in time, “If we were married right now, we would be FORCED to work this out and everything would be fine again!” That’s an unhealthy and unrealistic view of marriage, but I wanted it SO badly at the time and knew FOR SURE it would make us happy again.
How can you have a mature outlook on marriage when you’re so young? You may think It’s mature thinking at the time.. but seriously, what do you really know about yourself at such a young age?
I’ve been going to therapy since my freshman year in high school. Not because I’m not a nutcase or anything, but I would go just to clear my head and have a mature, knowledgeable and confident person to offer constant guidance in my life.
My therapist has always told me to not even THINK about marriage until I was at least 30 years old. I’ve also read a book called “Passages”, which is a great book; I recommend it to anyone wanting to learn more about themselves. This book goes through each age group. Teens, early 20’s, late 20’s, early 30’s and so on.
To sum up the “predictable phase” of the early to mid 20s’, it states that in your early 20s’ you’ve most likely broken away from your parent’s shelter and are starting to build your own foundation. You also start learning more about yourself. Let’s face it, you’re not in High School anymore, you don’t have to worry about fitting in with the popular crowd. When you are not surrounded by the constant pressure of trying to change yourself to fit in, you are more apt to really be yourself and to accept and be proud of your uniqueness.
In your later 20’s, you’re more serious about your career and are actually wanting to work in a field you’re interested in, not “just a day job to pay the rent”.
Come your early 30’s, you may very well go through a time of total retransformation. Who you thought you were in your mid 20’s may stick, but in most cases will be thrown out the window. You finally start to get a realistic sense of life. I can’t say for sure that’s the case, as I’m only 24.. I’m just going off of what I’ve read, and am preparing myself for. If this is the case, and you marry at a very early age, what are the chances that you and your husband will be the same people in your 30’s? Will you still be able to talk things through like you used to? Will your once shy and reserved spouse suddenly get the urge to travel the world or take up riding Harley’s? And how will these changes affect your marriage?
After learning all of this, you have to ask yourself.. why are people from my generation so stuck on the obsession of getting married in their early 20’s?
Do they think it’s going to solve all of their problems? Or that since they are now legally together, they never again have to worry about the dreaded dating scene? Have you ever seen the movie Under the Tuscan Sun? I think that movie showsthat even if you’ve been married 20+ years, things can and most likely will change as you grow older. You could fall out of love, you or your spouse could come out of the closet and decide to start dating the same sex, its life: ANYTHING can happen. NOTHING is for sure.
I don’t want everyone to think that I’m putting down all who marry at an early age. When you know yourself well enough and you know it’s the right time… you know. I’m just saying, what’s the rush? You’ll still love each other just as much. I’ve heard of couples who have dated for 10 or 20+ years and are in no rush to get married. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. They’ve been together for what seems like forever, but don’t NEED to get married to be happy. They’re happy just being together.
With all this said, my personal idea of marriage is living your life with someone that you can be completely open with, confide in with your innermost secrets, someone who makes you a better person and supports your goals, and most important to myself: someone to take care of and have take care of you as you get older and watch the world change. I know it sounds all whispy and dreamy and romantic, but I do also know it won’t be all happy times. I understand that something like marriage would take a lot of patience and learning. That’s exactly why I don’t take it as lightly as I used to.
I hope all of my ranting and random thoughts make sense to at least a few people and I haven’t pissed off anyone who got married at an early age. Just understand that I have a different view because I’m single right in the heart of learning about life.
Our relationship went down south as we both grew older. I matured… and well… he didn’t. I remember even thinking at one point in time, “If we were married right now, we would be FORCED to work this out and everything would be fine again!” That’s an unhealthy and unrealistic view of marriage, but I wanted it SO badly at the time and knew FOR SURE it would make us happy again.
How can you have a mature outlook on marriage when you’re so young? You may think It’s mature thinking at the time.. but seriously, what do you really know about yourself at such a young age?
I’ve been going to therapy since my freshman year in high school. Not because I’m not a nutcase or anything, but I would go just to clear my head and have a mature, knowledgeable and confident person to offer constant guidance in my life.
My therapist has always told me to not even THINK about marriage until I was at least 30 years old. I’ve also read a book called “Passages”, which is a great book; I recommend it to anyone wanting to learn more about themselves. This book goes through each age group. Teens, early 20’s, late 20’s, early 30’s and so on.
To sum up the “predictable phase” of the early to mid 20s’, it states that in your early 20s’ you’ve most likely broken away from your parent’s shelter and are starting to build your own foundation. You also start learning more about yourself. Let’s face it, you’re not in High School anymore, you don’t have to worry about fitting in with the popular crowd. When you are not surrounded by the constant pressure of trying to change yourself to fit in, you are more apt to really be yourself and to accept and be proud of your uniqueness.
In your later 20’s, you’re more serious about your career and are actually wanting to work in a field you’re interested in, not “just a day job to pay the rent”.
Come your early 30’s, you may very well go through a time of total retransformation. Who you thought you were in your mid 20’s may stick, but in most cases will be thrown out the window. You finally start to get a realistic sense of life. I can’t say for sure that’s the case, as I’m only 24.. I’m just going off of what I’ve read, and am preparing myself for. If this is the case, and you marry at a very early age, what are the chances that you and your husband will be the same people in your 30’s? Will you still be able to talk things through like you used to? Will your once shy and reserved spouse suddenly get the urge to travel the world or take up riding Harley’s? And how will these changes affect your marriage?
After learning all of this, you have to ask yourself.. why are people from my generation so stuck on the obsession of getting married in their early 20’s?
Do they think it’s going to solve all of their problems? Or that since they are now legally together, they never again have to worry about the dreaded dating scene? Have you ever seen the movie Under the Tuscan Sun? I think that movie showsthat even if you’ve been married 20+ years, things can and most likely will change as you grow older. You could fall out of love, you or your spouse could come out of the closet and decide to start dating the same sex, its life: ANYTHING can happen. NOTHING is for sure.
I don’t want everyone to think that I’m putting down all who marry at an early age. When you know yourself well enough and you know it’s the right time… you know. I’m just saying, what’s the rush? You’ll still love each other just as much. I’ve heard of couples who have dated for 10 or 20+ years and are in no rush to get married. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. They’ve been together for what seems like forever, but don’t NEED to get married to be happy. They’re happy just being together.
With all this said, my personal idea of marriage is living your life with someone that you can be completely open with, confide in with your innermost secrets, someone who makes you a better person and supports your goals, and most important to myself: someone to take care of and have take care of you as you get older and watch the world change. I know it sounds all whispy and dreamy and romantic, but I do also know it won’t be all happy times. I understand that something like marriage would take a lot of patience and learning. That’s exactly why I don’t take it as lightly as I used to.
I hope all of my ranting and random thoughts make sense to at least a few people and I haven’t pissed off anyone who got married at an early age. Just understand that I have a different view because I’m single right in the heart of learning about life.
That's all.
2 comments:
I think this is a genius post. It sounds like you have a very level head about it, and that is rare in our generation (especially us romantic girls)! Good for you!
I am interested to check out the book you recommended.
Thanks for a very honestly written blog.
-Ali
Getting married and staying married is a big,big,step for any woman...I think that a woman in her 2o's should really enjoy their youth a lot more before settling down. They should explore more what life has to offer. Love can wait...if its meant for you its meant for you.
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