Do you ever feel like you're losing youself?

I remember being so sure of myself and walking out my front door with my head held high, long strides in my heels, and a smile on my face...

Then I moved back in with my parents...

Jesus, I knew going into this it wouldnt be fun living with my parents again.. but its to the point that im losing ME.

My quirky little traits that I love about myself are slowly slipping away and its killing me.

Instead of making my own dinners and watching Audrey Hepburn marathons, i'm eating around the table with my family nightly and escaping downstairs to be alone.

I miss me.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I just broke up a few weeks ago, which is a good thing. I don't know what it is about me in relationships, but i turn into this different, insecure person. It could be partly that he was a graduate from Pepperdine, and can talk about Physics like its no big deal... and i just sit there... nodding my head and smiling....

What the fuck was he just saying??

But when im single, its easier for me to be myself and not feel inadequit.

One on side, I feel like im losing myself and on the other, I'm really growing.

I've always been the type of person to not speak up when I have something I want to say, worried about what people will think. I dont want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, so I just stay quiet. When some folks in my family have made little comments here and there like "Saw your photos on facebook, don't you think that dress was a little short?", making little judgemental comments about my life because i'm 26, not dating anyone and like to go out to downtown seattle and drink my ass off on the occassional weekend... I always would just laugh along and say yea, well you know, just having fun.

But for some reason ive grown the strength to stand up for myself and say... ya I am single, ya I go out to bars and parties and drink my ass off, but im fucking 26... and i'm having a blast! You have no right to judge me. I work hard during the week, i have a full time job AND a part time job, im responsible and polite, so whats with the judgement?

So far this new me isnt a smooth transition.

After getting up the nerve to tell my mom that Chris and I broke up two weeks ago, her response was "hahahah, wow, well you've sure been here before haven't you!"

At first I did what I would normally do, and said something like yea well we're still really good friends and it just wasn't working, blah blah blah... in an effort to not "stir the pot". After several days of stewing about it and replaying her response in my head, and ok I might have had a few margaritas in me... I called her and comfronted her. I said, Hi, I need to ask you a question. She sounded caught off guard. I said why when i told you that chris and i broke up, why did you laugh and say what you said to me?? She said, I never laughed at you! I said, really, if you hadnt laughed at me, why would I be so hurt by it? Why would I have to get up the nerve to confront you about it. Her response, as usual with her was, Well i'm sorry if thats what you THOUGHT you heard, but I did not. I was so upset and so frustrated with her "brick wall" that she always has up that for the first time in maybe 15 years, the only thing I could do was hang up on her. That was about a week and a half ago, i havent talked to her since. I refuse to sit back and let her laugh at me and love life. Just because you've been single for 24 years and refuse to go back out and possibly meet someone who may make you happy, doesn't mean that I have to be bitter with you. I needed my mother and she wasn't there. My standing up for myself and confronting her may have rocked the boat, but hopefully it will show her what I wont put up with in the future.

Anyways, so sidetracked, my mother obviously gets me worked up.

Point is, this is the first time that i just dont know who I am. Im doing everything I can to try and be true to myself, but sometimes thats just so hard.

I really hope this is just a funk.

I will continue on!