It seems im destined to be single. It's so awkward. My best friend calls weekly - "What are you doing?" Oh nothing, just watching a movie... "BY YOURSELF?!" Well... ya... Does my cat count?
Obviously i've voiced that being single has its upside as well as it's downside. I feel like the longer you're single... the more that "Upside" seems to fade. When Chris and I broke up last April, I felt this overwhelming feeling of... release, freedom and I felt more like myself than I had in years. It was amazing. I'm glad I ended the relationship, becuase if I were still in it, we'd still argue everynight, he'd still make me feel inferior daily, I would still be going to bed each night unhappy. So don't get me wrong, I know I made the right choice, but after a while.. it gets lonely. I do a good job of filling my time. Cooking, baking, (I've gotten really into baking) reading, working out, going out with friends. I entertain myself pretty well.
My fear is that I'll be single and living alone so long, that I'll become one of those weird awkward people thats always uncomfortable, forgets what their voice sounds like, says awkward things...
I used to always be around people. Busy bee. Social butterfly. Talked to people on the phone all day at work, and came home to parties and events at night. Now I go to work, sit at my desk... read fine print in Leases from 20 years ago, count down the hours until its time to go home, and come home and watch Mad Men all night. I don't want to be this person!! It's not me!
Is it possible to "lose ourselves"? Seriously. To lose that spark, that thing that makes you who you are, who you've always been and who people have always seen you as? If we don't nurture that part of ourselves, maybe it just fizzles out? I refuse to let that happen. I know what makes me, me. I'm an old soul, I love swingsets and roller skating and sending people random letters in the mail because I know how much it will brighten their day. I have a passion for the elderly. I have a need to take care of people, to nurture and give guidance. I don't want all of those aspects of me to fade. I would be miserable.
Yes, being single is perfectly fine... No I don't need a man, I'm aware of that. I just need to find a way to make my single life fulfilling until I do find someone and settle down. I need to remind myself that plenty of people in relationships are unhappy and would give anything to be in my situation, to be able to do whatever I please.
Relationships have always been complicated for the world. Always have been, always will be. I've heard stories of my grandmothers marriages. Some painfully awful ones, and some that worked for her. When she was towards the end of her Alzheimer's and i'd visit her, it was so powerful to see the look on her face when she'd see my grandpa. Her whole world lit up. When he'd leave, she'd stand by the window and watch him go. I couldn't imagine going through something like that, and not having someone you love, to take care of you, watch out for you, help you through such an awful experience. It would be heartbreaking. I think about that a lot. If Alzheimer's is genetic, then I could possibly get it when i'm older. What if i'm not married? What if I have to go at it alone? I don't think I could take it. It would be unbearable.
My mom has been married twice. She married when she was young, to my sisters father. He left her for another woman and wouldnt return her calls, or spend time with my sister. She married my dad when she was 32. They were married for two years. I remember dating my first love and being so in love and so happy, and I asked her if she felt that way with my dad. Her response: "No, not really. We got along well, we had fun, but I don't think i was ever madly in love with him" She's been single ever since, and has expressed how hard it would be to try again in a new relationship. But I know she doesn't want to end up alone, and she deserves to be happy.
A lot of my friends are settling down and having children. One of my friends and her husband just had twins. I can't even imagine what it feels like to know that these two little babies solely rely on you, that you are their entire world. To know that you've built your own new family, to make your own new traditions, to pass along wisdom and guidance. Heather comes home to two babies and a husband every day. I come home to a quiet, empty (but well decorated!)apartment. When I wake up in the morning on weekends, i'm not woken up by a little voice asking to go to the bathroom with them, to get them water, climbing in bed with me. I wake up with my Ellie cat, and think.. hmmm... it's Saturday, what do I have to do today? Cleaning, laundry, errands, maybe workout and go tanning if I have time. Who am I kidding, I always have time. Even though Heather constantly has something to do, she has a new purpose in life, something to live for. Her family. I want that kind of purpose. Something secure, something real, meaningful and lifelong.
I may not be ready for something like this right now. But I pray its in the cards for me someday.
