Do things ever get easier, or do we just get better?

I just found out that an old flame of mine is getting married soon. Talk about a stab to the heart. Not the best way to start a Monday morning.

He and I still talk regularly and as unfair as it is, he says that he feels I'm his soul mate and he would marry me in a heart beat, if he didn't live on the other side of the US. But he just proposed to his girlfriend, and says its hard for him to come to grips with the fact that he won't be seeing things through with me. It breaks my heart. It literally hurts sitting at my desk this morning.

While listening to my favorite morning radio show this morning, I was shocked to hear that a new study found that most men would rather find a "tipsy and ditzy" woman than a "smart and savvy" woman. That they feel more like a man when they are the more intelligent, dominant one in the relationship, and that tipsy and ditsy women are an easy conquest. What the fuck? All that says to me is that these men are insecure, lazy and pathetic.

No matter how much I tell others that I'm perfectly content with being single at 28, I'm not. Not at all. I'm jealous of women with a home and a family. No matter how much I tell my friends and family that I wouldn't think of getting married before 30 and that I have plenty of time, I am secretly scared out of my mind that I'll still be saying that when I'm 36 and still haven't settled down. Then what? Adopt and be a single parent? That thought is terrifying. Am I out of my prime, and the selection of men is only slim pickings from here? The older I get, the worse my dating life gets, the more hope I lose.

I would actually be genuinely content being single right now, if I had a crystal ball that told me that I would in fact end up married with children before it's too late. It's the unknown that's scary. The possibility that I will still feel this way at 40. Terrifying.

I realize the bigger picture here is to be content alone before I can be content settled down. I'm just saying that it gets hard sometimes, taking care of everything on my own. It's very lonely at times, and I've gotten very good at wearing my "Happy being single and free" mask.

Truth is I'm not happy. I know what happy feels like. I remember being really happy. I feel so far away from that feeling.

So question is.... do things ever get easier, or do we just get better at handling all that life throws at us?

Time to let my infatuation go...

My infatuation.... how many years have we been going back and forth now? He's lived in Maryland ever since he moved back to be with his mother. Came back to visit once, and we had a great time. That electric powerful connection you read about in romance novels, that's what we've always had. He's talked about moving back to Seattle, and constantly tells me how much he misses me, all the while, he has been dating someone for several years now. He's recently informed me that he is going to propose to her soon. That it's hard for him to tell me because he knows it will hurt me and it will mean that we have no chance at reuniting. He keeps updating me. "I think I'm going to propose really soon. I've had the ring for a while now." I wonder if he realizes how much it actually stings to hear this? There is no possible way that he and I can have a healthy friendship while he is engaged/married. It would just break my heart. Is this the breaking point where I need to cut ties for my own sanity? I can't keep hearing about how he constantly thinks about me all the while knowing he will be a married man soon. Very disappointing, but the right thing to do is to let him go, I know this. It's not easy now, and I don't know if it ever will be. Such is life.